


why is everything so heavy

by AutisticShepard



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Nightmares, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25238308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticShepard/pseuds/AutisticShepard
Summary: even sober, the dreams still come
Relationships: Qrow Branwen/Clover Ebi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	why is everything so heavy

**Author's Note:**

> CW: alcohol mention
> 
> this piece is a bit personal I based a lot of this off my own experience(s) as someone with ptsd and psychosis who drinks a lot to cope

A dimly-lit room. A table. A lone bottle, full of a clear liquid. It could’ve been mistaken for water if not for the bright red label it wore: Stolichnaya Vodka. Even if the words didn’t scream it’s true identity, the potent smell would have given it away. The bottle sat, uncapped, next to a glass with two ice cubes, begging to be drunk. Surely, no one could be blamed for taking a mere sip or two? Before he knew it, he stood in front of the table, the glass within arms reach. He blinked and the glass was full, ice cubes clinking loudly.

_Just one drink. Just one sip. No one has to know._ He raised the glass, hand shaking slightly, to his mouth. Lips parted, he braced himself for the strong taste. Nothing came. _What?_ Panicking, he looked back at the glass. It stared back, still full. Desperately, he brought it to his mouth once more but nothing came. _Please! Please!_ Silent screams as the attempts to drink the vodka grew frantic. _Just one drink, I’ll feel so much better. I’ll be myself again, just one drink, just one sip, please, how am I supposed to make it through the day withou-_

He jerked awake, caked in sweat and disoriented in an empty bed. The air felt much too hot; there was no light in the room and he struggled not to scream in confusion. The familiar fear of not knowing what was real or if he was even alive or not crept it rapidly, filling his mind like a thick cloud of smoke. _This is it, isn’t it? I deserve this, living in the dark_. His breathing became frenzied with panic and he began to scratch desperately at his own skin, the stream of thought flowing through his mind was a continuous rant of _I deserve this-I’m sorry-I deserve this-I’m so, so sorry-I should have been better_.

His eyes adjusted to the dark of the room enough to see the faint outline of his scratched-up legs along with the bed holding him and the slightly open door. Instinctively, he let out an anxious whimper--he never left the door open when he went to sleep so why was it open now? Footsteps echoed and he curled in on himself, the panic spreading from his ribs and causing his breathing to become heavy.

“Qrow?” He was too far gone to register the owner of the voice. “Shit, try and put your head between your knees if you can hear me, okay?” Tears fell, soaking the blanket and he clapped his hands over his ears, wanting to screech but nothing came out. A hand gently guided his head slightly down so it rested between his knees.

“Deep breaths.” The voice instructed softly. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m here.” The last sentence began to wake him up, restoring reality. The world became less blurry and the voice sharpened and he recognized it.

“Clover?” His voice sounded scratchy and raw.

“I’m here.” Clover reassured him. “Just try and focus on breathing.” Fingers brushed lightly against his own. He listened to the calm voice and concentrated on deep breaths. It worked, the room sharpening and becoming clearer until he could make out the face of his partner.

“Better?” Clover asked, his teal eyes racked with concern. Qrow nodded, still finding it hard to speak verbally. “Sorry,” The brunette spoke, lacing their hands together. “I had to get some water, I didn’t mean to leave you alone.” Qrow shook his head, squeezing his significant other’s hand.

“Not your fault.” He whispered. Clover said nothing for a moment, his eyes fixed on their entwined hands. He sat on the edge of their shared bed, brow furrowed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Qrow shook his head.

“Not yet.” _Does it count as breaking sobriety if it was a dream?_ He was ashamed of what he’d done--or at least tried to do--in his dream. Everyone would be so disappointed. The thought felt like thousands of pounds dropped on top of him, too heavy to carry. Clover tugged at their hands, still joined, to urge Qrow closer until they were sitting right next to each other.

“I love you.” Clover said softly. “I just want you to know that nothing will change that.” Qrow pushed his face into the brunette’s shoulder. The tears springing to his eyes were threatening to fall. _You don’t deserve this._ A voice whispered. _You don’t deserve him. You’re nothing_.

“Sorry but you’re stuck with me.” Clover said as he curled an arm protectively around the smaller man, pressing his nose against the soft strands of hair. The brunette nuzzled him softly and his thumb rubbed small circles soothingly. Qrow kept his face hidden on Clover’s shoulder, still shaking from his dream. When he had episodes, Clover had him count to seven to center his breathing and Qrow focused on that now, grounding himself with the gentle grip of Clover’s hand. He wasn’t sure how much time passed as the world faded so that it was only Clover and him. The steady heartbeat of the taller man resonated loudly enough to reach Qrow’s ears and the vibration helped to calm him down.

“Feeling better, lovebug?” Clover laid a soft kiss against his partner’s temple. Qrow shrugged; he still didn’t feel ready to speak verbally yet. “You okay if we lay down?” Qrow nodded in response and Clover repositioned them both so that Qrow’s head rested on in the crook of his neck as they laid side-by-side on the large bed. The taller man clutched Qrow to his chest tightly, one hand on Qrow’s side and the other still holding onto Qrow’s own hand.

“Try and sleep if you can, I’ll be here when you wake up.” Clover rested his forehead against his partner’s, looking through the dim lighting into the maroon eyes of the man he loved. _Why?_ A lump rose in Qrow’s throat and he couldn’t hold the eye contact, lowering his eyes to focus on a faint pink scar on Clover’s collarbone. 

_At least I didn’t cause that one_. He thought bitterly.

“Hey, I know that face.” Clover whispered, raising their entwined hands to his mouth. Qrow’s calloused knuckles brushed against Clover’s lips as the brunette’s seafoam-green eyes didn’t leave Qrow’s garnet-red ones. “Stop thinking so hard.” Qrow hadn’t outright told Clover about the voice in his head that constantly echoed his own self-deprecating thoughts, but Clover read him well enough to piece things together from the way Qrow spoke about himself. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but listen to me when I say I love you and that means every part of you.”

Qrow felt himself melt in Clover’s arms as the brunette spoke. Right now, he couldn’t stand the thought of sharing his horrible--possibly relapse--dream. At the same time he knew when he was ready to talk, Clover would be the first--and probably the only, to be honest--person he’d want to talk to about it. 

“Love you too.” Qrow whispered and his vision softened in the best way with Clover as the focal point.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated
> 
> I alluded briefly to V7E12 events with the scar but since this is a pretty short piece I wouldn't consider it a full AU so I didn't tag it as such
> 
> also the constant changing and use of the world/viewpoint sharpening and softening is intentional in this piece btw; the world is dark and blurry with panic but seeing Clover sharpens it back into focus and knowing he's loved softens the world in a bright, positive way
> 
> If you want to check me out on tumblr, username is keiththefirehawk :)


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